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Monday, August 14, 2006

no more birthdays

The first batch of b-sides from Sound Team's Movie Monster have surfaced. On this track, the boys have taken apart "No More Birthdays" and stripped it down, exposing Matt Oliver's emotional and extremely tender vocals, only to prop it back up with hand claps, banjo, clarinet, and wall-banging. A nice change-of-pace from the constant build of the album version:

Sound Team No More Birthdays (San Francisco Bay) mp3



You guys loved his "Non-Indie Dude" observations from the Pitchfork Festival and Lollapalooza, so please give a warm welcome to new g vs. b columnist Austin LaRoche. He's planning on contributing a weekly column here on the blog, and his first installment is hilarious, and dare I say, epic (deal with it, anonymous commenter.) Ladies and gentlemen, we present, "The Hipster Test." I got a 47, if you're scoring at home:

"After writing my observations on Lollapalooza last week, one of the comments I received posed an amazing question--what makes an indie kid?

Before we move further, let me point out that this is a very subjective question. Everyone has their own interpretation, and this is by no means "the standard" anywhere outside my apartment. Alright, enough bally-hoo, let's tackle this puppy...

(click read more link for "The Hipster Test")

So I've separated "indie kids" into two categories--the nerds and the hipsters. (Quick note: "nerd" is a word that used to have a negative connotation, but in light of such protagonists as Seth Cohen, being a "nerd" somehow got "cool." This country cracks me up.) So, the new "cool" nerds are the music fans I like. They're on top of their shit, they know more about the music than I do, and they usually have cool blogs that deliver new music daily, and are the reason the Arctic Monkeys are getting laid every night.

(Another side note: do the groupies of bands have a certain pride in the bands they sleep with based on name alone? For instance, if you were a groupie and you were talking to someone who knew nothing about music, wouldn't it be cooler to tell someone you slept with an Arctic Monkey rather than a Stroke or a Hive or a Vine? I don't know if there's a prouder moment for groupies than announcing they've slept with an Arctic Monkey. Maybe that's how they sold all those albums in Britain.)

Back to topic. So, I like the nerds. They're nice people, and their main difference, in the realm of music, with the hipsters, is that they want to spread good music everywhere. They want every buddy on their mySpace page knowing about these up-and-coming bands. The hipsters, meanwhile, want to laugh at Dave Matthews fans and keep their music to themselves. I'm not as simpatico with hipsters.

Hipsters have some of the funniest characteristics known to man. At shows, they're the people who always look like they're having a terrible time because they're terrified that if they "jam out" a little or even bop their head Night at the Roxbury-style, they'll look stupid and the cool guy gods will take their tapered jeans from them. They throw away albums once Pitchfork disses them and they're always confused on whether or not the Strokes are still cool. But the one thing they do not do, under any circumstances, is admit they are a hipster. I never imagined I lived in a world where "hipster" was insulting and "nerd" was cool, but we are America, and we are funny like that.

That's why I think hipsters need to be tested on their coolness. We need people to know where they lie on the "hip" list. So we're gonna take a test. Don't worry, I'm taking it, too. This way, whoever is reading will know where they lie on the "hip chart."

Here's how the scoring works. The multiple choice answers to my questions will be numbered 1-5. Whatever choice best suits your taste, write it down. When you're done, add up your score and see where you stand. Everyone get out your number 2 pencils and Kelly blue books. It's test time:

Are you a hipster?

What was the last album you thought was perfect?

1. Hot Fuss
2. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
3. Funeral
4. Kid A
5. You haven't heard it, but it's by this band called "Jesus Was Me" and it's called Millard Filmore Slept with My Daughter, but it's hard to find and all the guys in the band died in a cult sacrifice.

Assuming we can all agree that Bob Dylan was the most iconic singer/songwriter of his time and there will never be another Zimmerman, if we were to go out on a limb and say that this generation has a "Dylan," who do you think it would be?

1. Jack Johnson
2. Ryan Adams
3. Conor Oberst
4. Jeff Mangum
5. Dylan was terrible compared to bands like "Jesus Was Me" and was an awful artist. So if you want me to tell you who I think the next "Dylan" is, it's a tie between the Duff Sisters.

The Arcade Fire are...

1. Who?
2. A decent band, but nothing special
3. A group who has made one, albeit very good, album
4. The greatest band in the world
5. A bunch of sellouts that were cool until my little sister heard them on the radio and now her and her teeny-bopper friends like them so they are lame.

Ryan Adams...

1. Sang my favorite song ever--"Summer of '69"
2. Has never made a bad album
3. Has his ups and downs, but overall, has a lot of good songs
4. Hasn't impressed me since Heartbreaker.
5. Can jump off a bridge and hang himself.

Your favorite clothing store is...

1. Abercrombie or American Eagle, I just can't decide
2. I like all department stores, they got a wide range
3. Urban Outfitters
4. H&M or American Apparel
5. You have no clue where I get my clothes because I don't shop at chains. I only wear hand-me-downs.

Your favorite food is...

1. I love ICE CREAM!!!
2. A good steak with a loaded baked potato on the side
3. Pad Thai
4. Any of the entrees from the French Bistro down the street
5. I don't eat. If I ate, how the hell would I get into these size zero jeans? Not all of us do coke, okay?

You and I are going to bet on something arbitrary. The terms of the bet are the loser has to go into the independent record store in your area and ask if they have any Daniel Powter bootlegs. You lose the bet. You react by...

1. Getting those bootlegs!! You're the one who really lost the bet, Austin! Or should I say "YOU HAD A BAD DAY..."
2. Shrugging your shoulders and saying "no sweat" and carrying out the mission
3. You feel embarrassed by going up and asking but you make sure you ask a member of the staff you are by no means attracted to.
4. You make a joke out of it, asking your good buddy who owns the record store if he has any and he jokes back "yeah dude, we got a stockpile in the back."
5. You change your phone number, vacate your apartment, pack everything you have and find a new city to live in.

Your view on homosexuality is...

1. IT'S A SIN!!! YUCKY!!!
2. Don't care either way
3. I can't believe their gay marriage is illegal.
4. I have a ton of gay friends, it's neither weird nor an issue for me, just life.
5. You never know your sexuality until you try screwing everything. And I mean everything.

You think George W. Bush is...

1. Right behind Jesus as the greatest human ever
2. Not a smart man
3. One of the worst presidents of all-time
4. Someone who needs to be castrated, the son-of-a-bitch
5. Someone I'm not allowed to comment on...this is court ordered after my anti-Bush group was recently determined a "hate group" because we tried to poison his pets and stab each member of his cabinet.

When you hear the names Francisco Liriano and Manu Ginobili, you think...

1. Great rookie pitcher and Argentinean flopper
2. They're both athletes, right?
3. Not really familiar with those--were they on Project Runway?
4. I think I know a guy who wears their clothes
5. They've both made amazing albums, but you haven't heard of them because they're not on mySpace and they're a little too underground.

The most attractive woman in Hollywood is (don't worry lady hipsters, we have an alternative for you all in the next question)...

1. Pamela Anderson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Natalie Portman
4. Scarlet Johannsan
5. Hollywood is a bunch of ugly, plastic, terrible creatures who are as fake and terrible as anyone I've ever met. But if I had to pick one, I'd say that little wildcat that got naked in Broken Flowers.

The most attractive man in Hollywood is...

1. Brad Pitt
2. Matt Leinart
3. Adam Brody
4. Chuck Klosterman
5. Will Oldham

Your friends consist mostly of...

1. My BFF!!!
2. A couple old pals, a few of my (insert intramural sport) teammates
3. Some people I've met at shows, a few people from work
4. Artists, mostly. Ya know, people in bands and stuff
5. Pete Doherty

The coolest place you've ever been is...

1. PARIS!!! It was soooo romantic
2. In the airplane bathroom with a lover
3. New York City when (insert favorite band) was playing
4. VIP at SXSW
5. Jakota, Oregon. (Note: You may be unfamiliar with this town, but it's got the best underground hip-hop you'll ever hear. And get this--everyone there is blind!!!)

The coolest place imaginable is...

1. An exotic beach with Brad Pitt/Pamela Anderson
2. The Super Bowl (The ladies equivalent: Fashion Week in NYC)
3. Glastonbury
4. Sufjan Stevens condo with he, Win Butler, Dan Bejar, Spencer Krug, and Chan Marshall writing songs together and playing different tunes.
5. Thom Yorke's bedroom closet

You've taken this entire test and said...

1. This is long but I have to forward it all my friends on facebook
2. Why did I take this, I'm really not too much of a hipster in the first place
3. Phew. I'm right in the middle.
4. I may just be a bit hipper than I imagined.
5. This is the lamest shit ever. Who cares about hipsters, they're all losers anyway.

The test has ended.

Where do you rank?

(Note--There were 16 questions, although you only answered 15 of them because depending on if you're into the guys or the ladies, you answered that question accordingly).


You watch the Hills and Laguna Beach, don't you? You really love facebook, the indie-est artist you listen to is Damien Rice, and you have never been accused of being "eclectic." Why did you even come on GVB? Are you Chris's cousin or something?


You're the diet coke of hipster. You may need to throw some polos away and give up on Ryan Adams to be considered "hip." Also, you could develop a drug problem, that works too. (Note--I scored a 40. I was borderline hipster. Maybe somewhere unconsciously I decided to throw the sports question in there to bring my score down. Not really, I just added that one because it was funny. Actually, I think I did that with all of them.)


You could be hipper, but you are quite hip. You order stuff from the H&M catalog and swear Neutral Milk Hotel changed your life. If you lie in this category, you can no longer be in hipster denial. If I call you a hipster, you have to respond with something along the lines of "yeah, whatever, I guess so." Who am I kidding? You'll keep on denying it.


You are the hippest hipster of all time. Next time I catch you at a show I'm gonna make sure you're sent right up front so you stand there and pretend you don't enjoy the music.

(Please note--your political beliefs and clothes should never matter in the music you like. In fact, I wore a polo to the first day of the Pitchfork festival. Please follow the nerds and listen for the music and spread it to the people who don't have it. Do it for your favorite artists and do it so we live in a world where I like to shop in places with the radio on in the background. Uh oh, I'm getting preachy, let me step off my stool here for a second. Okay, back to the ground, now. Do what you want with your life, be whoever it is you are, and look all over the internet for a copy of Millard Filmore Slept with my Daughter--it'll change your life.)

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

That test's about as funny and clever as an SNL skit.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

i had a feeling you'd like it, anon.

10:00 AM  
Blogger j ordan said...

a post about hipsters?

10:27 AM  
Anonymous wendy said...

I totally don't think of myself as a hipster (too old) but I must admit, I once quit a job because of omnipresent shitty music. In fact, I would get up and leave the building everytime "We Built This City on Rock & Roll" came over the speakers.

10:28 AM  
Blogger cindy hotpoint said...

It's official -- I never comment except to drop names and talk about clothes. I'm pretty sure this will brand me as a hipster, or something (when I assure you, I'm as nerdy as they come...), but there is no H&M catalog. The high volume turnover of merchandise is too high for them to do a mail order business.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Julio Enriquez said...

drat! 56....

10:33 AM  
Anonymous sara said...

yeah, j ordan, about as groundbreaking as your last post about kanye west. dumbass.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous James said...

Apparently I'm a little hipper than I had thought. That's slightly comforting :)

10:56 AM  
Blogger leoni said...

Does being excited about scoring a 42 make me more of a nerd than the score implies?

Yeah. I thought so...

11:36 AM  
Anonymous stephen said...

oh shit, i guess i'm a hipster. a hip nerd.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous apinbackfan said...

I have a fever and the only cure is more Sound Team B sides.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Jerimee Bloemeke said...

i got 43, but i really think it should be 48 because i definitely think will oldham is the most attractive man in hollywood, but because of my sexual preference i am not allowed to answer this question. fucking goddamn biased test.

12:58 PM  
Blogger Sandisoverrated said...

how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I have that on vinyl

1:45 PM  
Blogger douglas.. said...

my score was 49. there should have been a question about posting mountain goats youtube videos in your myspace bulletins. it probably would have skyrocketed my score, because i did that twice this weekend. haha.

1:59 PM  
Anonymous Luke said...

What the hell does Millard Millfore have to do with this? I didn't even know what H & M was until I googled it, but I still got a 42 ...

2:53 PM  
Anonymous michelle said...

well, i got a 50... i'm a little sad about that because of the negative conotations, eh. c'est la vie. i will still argue that ryan adams is The Deal any day... good job, Mr. Austin LaRoche. you're really funny - even though you may/may not like me because i'm a 50. just kidding...

much love,

3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How ironic... It's a quiz that judges people when that's exactly what you criticize "hipsters" for doing. Got a test for a "Cooler Than Thou" critic?

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Austin Laroche said...

Okay, I can't lie, I love reading the comments after I write these things, it's great. As usual, mixed reviews. Please know that the number one goal with these are to make you laugh. If you think the Duff sisters are on par with Bob Dylan or that the blind town of Jakota, Oregon and their unbelievable hip-hop scene are amazing and anyone who disagrees is a moron, you may be reading the wrong column. We're just trying to have fun here, get some good laughs, and make each day a bit funnier. I'm glad a lot of you are enjoying these, I look forward to writing more columns for the best MP3 blog on the web, not to mention one of the nicest webmasters around. Thanks for the opportunity, Chris, keep reading guys!

PS - I love Ryan Adams, too, Michelle, but if you're really into him, you may want to check out some early "Jesus Was Me," the parallels are striking, haha.

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how about that sound team b-side...pretty rad.

5:04 PM  
Blogger Trevor Jackson said...

Do I have to add or subtract points to my score if I didn't know who Daniel Powter is? Was he a Backstreet Boy or something?

5:15 PM  
Blogger Joe Szczepaniak said...


I couldn't answer properly on the george bush one. i gave it a 1.5 on that one.


6:42 PM  
Blogger Lizz said...

46, wow I barely made it. I could've sworn I wasn't a hipster....

8:42 PM  
Anonymous josh said...

Hey Michelle, other GvsB writer, don't worry. Even though you got a 50 I think you're freaking awesome. When are you doing another Sirius show?

And hey, why aren't I your friend on MySpace?

10:42 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

The name of my blog is:
0. Blog? What's that? This is my sister's computer...
1. My own name. Do you like the photos of my dog?
2. Something that adequately describes my level of depression.
3. Ironic.
4. Cute.
5. Precious. It involves animals or appropriated song lyrics.

My blog's background is:
1. Something I sourced off a Myspace profile site.
1.5. My dog.
2. My favorite musician.
3. By my favorite obscure artist.
4. Something from my last solo art show.
10. Wood.

There you go. Well into 60+. I'm going back to my porn now...

3:00 AM  
Anonymous Patty O said...

Austin L,
Genius. Although I think it would be fair to admit that you were once a frat boy and thus could never be a hipster... it's science.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Harry the Hipster said...

I am too hip to laugh at myself. This post made me cry. Then my little sister kicked my ass and told me to stop wearing her clothes. What a bad night to be too cool for school (and an a-hole). Oh, to be a hipster! This too shall pass.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Kyle said...

Wow, I'm almost hurt that I didn't score higher than 36. But I haven't ever tried to wear girl pants, and I always look like an idiot at shows because I'm usually rocking out on my own. I think I'm more of a closet indie nerd. There has to be some middle ground there Austin. Between full blown Indie Nerd and the initial symptoms of Hipster (because it must be a disease when they all begin to look and act the same). I would say I'm in the center of this proverbial litmus test of all things indie. When I own probably half the stuff Chris will play on Blog Radio and the other half is completely foreign to me, I would say I'm an indie ph of like 10. This keeps me at a weak base (i figure anything acid eats at the integrity of the individual ie. hipsters)

If I were a 14 on the indie ph scale I'd have my own blog and hell, even my own show on Left of Center.

12:35 AM  
Blogger Silence Productions said...

c'mon! why do we always have to pick on Ryan Adams?

4:37 AM  
Blogger Mo! said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:32 AM  
Blogger Mo! said...

I check this blog occasionally but have bookmarked it now that you have your own column.

I love the nerd/hipster distinction, but I'm "indie lite," I guess. No shame because I listen to a lot of cool oldies/protopunk. Not nu metal or emo. Although I do listen to one or two really obscure bands like Zombies vs. Aliens so maybe I'm a hipster? Naah, I wear polos too.

As for the list, if you actually took this list seriously and scored yourself, you're a hipster.

4:48 AM  
Blogger Stu said...

Jesus...I thought I had work to do, but turns out I had enough time to take a hipster test.

Thank god I'm not in an open concept office or everyone would know how much of a nerd I am.

If you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my teen mags. I've got the "test" bug.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got a 48! I'm hipper than I thought.

Wait. Do all my D&D books cancel that out? Even if The Mae Shi (you know, from Kill Rock Stars....god) had an album called To Hit Armor Class 0.....(that's THACO; bitches)

8:46 PM  
Blogger John said...

I got 49 as well.

But I also answered the attractive man in Hollywood question

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i got a 48, but think i should be allowed to decrease points since i'm wearing a shirt from target right now :) and though a funny post, the whole politics preachiness at the end was a little surreal (my hip word for dumb) ...

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give up Ryan Adams?! I'd rather cut off my right arm...

7:29 AM  
Anonymous cano said...

Wow. How the hell did I score a 52? Before taking this test, I was sure I was just a big ol nerd. My Ryan Adams obsession is all-consuming, and I dance like a puppet at shows. I constantly evangelize about my favorite bands, and they're not that obscure.

I guess I do generally like stuff that's "different", and I'm kind of a striver. Doesn't the fact that I know it's lame make me a nerd?!

Turns out, I'm hipper than I thought, which causes me distress, so maybe I'm a hipster. Eww.

Hey. About the most attractive man in Hollywood question. The dudes get Scarlett Johanssen and we get Chuck Klosterman? The attractive woman question goes up from 1 to 5 in order of hipness, but the attractive man question goes from 1 to 5 in order of decreasing attractiveness (almost). I answered the attractive woman question because honestly, Brad Pitt is undebateably the most attractive man on that list, as well as being the most mainstream.

Maybe here's a better list:

1. Billy Ray Cyrus
2. Russell Crowe
3. Heath Ledger
4. Adam Brody (HE's the scarlett johanssen equivalent for men)
5. Cillian Murphy in drag

They're all considered hot (like your list of women), so then it's up to personal taste.

11:52 AM  
Blogger E. Nekola said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8:16 AM  
Blogger E. Nekola said...

yargh. i got a 61, which means i am officially a d-bag.

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"your political beliefs and clothes should never matter in the music you like."

i'll believe you mean that when you put down your double tall king sized light soy mochachino and burn all your dylan albums.

5:38 PM  
Anonymous cecilia said...

what a piece.
I have a 67, which doesn't help that I'm going to the goodwill tomorrow HAHAH
This brought out how much I really despise Ryan Adams though.
spencer krug > thom yorke, I'm sorry, but it's true.

10:05 PM  
Blogger tinyfolk said...

Way to give four options for straight people and one for "i'll fuck anything."

10:25 AM  
Blogger car es diseñatriz said...

God I thought I din't have any hipster ways.. And I scored 50!!!
Just because I refused to stay in Thom York's closet!!

hahah this is so cool!

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